THIS IS A SHIP, NOT A ZOO, GORDON!
by Chasyn
Summary: Or the 5 Times in Which Gordon fails to get Ed a pet. And the 1 time it worked. (Ed/Gordon, silly, like super silly, fun, and junk. 8D)
1. Jerry

This is complete JUNK and complete GARBAGE and SILLY AND MAKES NO SENSE AND MEGA! DUDE! HOW DID YOU HELP ME COME UP WITH THIS? Because I don't really remember the conversation that landed with this short series. XD I JUST REMEMBER YOU FLAILING AND TELLING ME TO DO IT. So here we are. This is half mega's fault, I think. And Delenn. She helped, too. I think? I don't know. I'm too delirious and sleep deprived. Also Kevin-Keith, thanks for helping me with this silly thing as well! I was having issues and he offered to read and made me feel better.

**THIS IS A SHIP, NOT A ZOO, GORDON!  
Or the 5 Times in Which Gordon fails to get Ed a pet.  
And the 1 time it worked.**

**Chapter 1: Jerry**

There was a...

_How was there a..._

_Why_ was there a...

When?

_Who_...

_Fuck_.

That was the easy question to answer. Because when something weird happened aboard the ship, there was always one answer. Gordon. Somehow or another, Gordon was always involved when something _weird_ happened. Every single fucking time! Ed backed out of his quarters slowly, his hands up in front of him. He didn't know why he was holding them out like he was. It wasn't going to stop the thing from stomping him if it wanted. Sure, human with arms up, that means safe. Yep. Safe and no need to stomp. Because it was very likely that Ed could die right there in his quarters, stomped to death. He was an _idiot_. He _knew_ he was. But he still backed up way too slowly, with his hands up, until he reached the door. He didn't take his eyes off of it as he briefly fumbled with the door scanner. He slapped at the panel and the noise made the _thing_ look at him; Ed's eyes widened. He attempted to sneak, to make less sound. And tried really _hard_ not to panic. It took forever before the door slid open. "Stay." He whispered, stepping back out into the hall. The door closed, sliding slightly faster than when it had opened. He stared, glared actually, at the closed door.

For a moment, Ed just stood there. He just stood there, like the thick-headed moron he was, and he glared at his door. He wondered briefly if he'd somehow just imagined that. He ran the calculations in his head, of the probability that he'd been hallucinating. Because there was no way, there was _just no way!_ It made no sense! _At all!_ Maybe there was something in his brain, some alien leech or something, messing with his vision or his sense of... anything really. He had no clue. He wasn't a neurologist or whatever a brain doctor was called. He just knew that _THERE WAS NO FUCKING WAY!_

Maybe he had, indeed, imagined it. But after opening the door long enough to check, he proved that he hadn't. It was _real_. It was just _standing_ there. It was fucking real and it was fucking standing there! _Damnit!_ He hit the button again and stepped back, breathing out as he watched the door closed for a second time. Although, he supposed, it really made no difference if he left the door wide open. Because there was no way it was escaping. There was no way it was fitting back through the door. He honestly had no clue how it was fitting in the room to begin with.

"Hey, Cap!"

Ed stared at the door a moment longer. He turned away, taking his eyes off the door finally. He blinked at the crew member, smiling widely at him. "Uh... Dann." He nodded. "Uh... hi." He responded awkwardly.

The ever-present smile on Dann's face slowly fell. "Something wrong, Cap?" He asked softly, stepping closer.

"No!" Ed shook his head quickly and held up his hands. "No, of course not... but uh." He glanced sideways at the door. "You... uh... you haven't uh... seen or heard anything... odd... in the halls... today..."

"The halls?" Dann repeated, tilting his bulbous head to the side. "No, no, I don't think so." He paused. "What exactly do you mean by odd?"

Ed smiled and shook his head. "Nothing." He reached out and patted Dann on the shoulder as he walked by. "Thanks."

Dann smiled and nodded. "You're welcome. Glad I could help, Boss!"

Ed did his best to grin convincingly at him and then hurried down the hall. He wasn't going crazy. Because he'd _seen_ it. He _knew_ he had. He jumped on the elevator and headed for the lounge. He knew that's where Gordon was headed. Ed had said he was going to change quickly and he'd be over. Things hadn't gone _quite_ as planned. Because he hadn't changed out of his uniform. But that _thing_ had been blocking his... well his _entire fucking room!_ Ed hurried in and paused. He glanced around, his eyes scouring the place. He really shouldn't have looked. He should have known. Gordon was at the bar as always, laughing between Talla and John and sipping a bottle of something. For a split second, he imagined the joys of switching the bottle. Something like the Bortus' poo drink, Oppsada, would be fun! Or piss. That would be rather amusing, too. Ed zeroed in on him as he strode over. He weaved through the people, ignoring the pleasantries directed at him. He was focused only on the braying redhead.

Gordon turned slightly, catching Ed out of the corner of his eyes. He smiled widely and set his bottle down. "Hey! There you are!" He jumped up and pressed a quick kiss to Ed's cheek.

Ed didn't pull away but he didn't return the gesture or smile or really acknowledge their fledgling relationship in anyway. He didn't resist, or flinch, or even reciprocate anything, much like that dammned _thing_ just standing in the center of his room. He just stood there, glaring as Gordon pulled away.

"Uh oh." John joked, taking a swig of his beer and watching out of the corner of his eyes. "What'd you do?"

Gordon shrugged as he leaned back against the counter. He grabbed his drink and took another sip. "No clue." He answered, his eyes still on Ed.

Talla intervened. "You did something." She glanced over her shoulder at the Captain. "I wouldn't want to be you right now." She chuckled with a smile.

"I didn't do anything!" Gordon whined.

"You didn't _do_ anything?" Ed snapped in a mocking tone, finally breaking his silence. "Nothing." He repeated and paused for a moment. "There's an elephant... in my room..." He said dramatically.

Gordon nodded, unfazed by the revelation. "Yeah."

"Yeah?" Ed screeched and ignored the people, _his crew members_, around him. A few had looked up at his outburst with interest. "There's a fucking _elephant_ in my room!"

"Don't fuck the elephant." John said, taking another drink. Ed's eyes snapped to him and John shrank down a little. He set his beer down and spun on his stool. "I may be a little drunk." He said, lifting his hands up.

Talla shifted slightly towards them as well. She tilted her head to the side and frowned. "I don't get the joke here."

"There's no joke." Ed snapped. "There's an elephant in my room."

Gordon nodded his head. "His name is Jerry."

"Jerry." Ed repeated.

Gordon nodded, like it was the most normal thing ever, having an elephant in the captain's room of Union Ship. Yes, totally plausible and no cause for alarm or questions. "Yep." He said. "Jerry the Elephant."

Ed stared at him for a moment. He was at a complete loss. "Why is Jerry the elephant in my room?"

"Because he wouldn't fit on the bridge?" Talla offered with a straight face.

John nodded his head and picked his drink back up. "Good point. Not unless we like, move the chairs and shit in the middle. He could fit in here."

Talla shrugged slightly. "Same problem." She said. "Too many tables. Too many lights, too, I'd think."

"Could stick him in engineering." John pointed out. "Except all the important, driving the ship shit."

Talla nodded her head. "An elephant might wreck that. I assume." She tilted her head to the side. "That's the giant, gray circus Earth animal, right?"

Gordon nodded. "Yeah."

John nodded and continued. "So it wouldn't fit in..."

"He doesn't fit in my room!" Ed interrupted, practically growling.

"Hey!" Gordon snapped. "It has a name! Jerry!"

Ed sighed and rolled his eyes. "Why does Jerry exist, Gordon?"

Gordon brought the bottle to his lips. He took a slow drink, swallowed, and lowered it again before he answered. "You need a pet."

Ed's mouth dropped open. He stared at Gordon blankly for several long moments. Because that answer was never in the realm of possibilities. Although... to be honest... Ed really had no ideas. Not a single one as to the elephants meaning. But to hear that there was an elephant in his room... because his boyfriend thought he needed a pet... it was just mind boggling. And for a moment, he wished the trio had been at a table or there was a free stool. He felt the urge to sit. "I need a pet." He repeated really slowly, trying to gauge the man's reaction. Because there was just _no way_ that was the real reason.

Gordon nodded his head quickly. "Everyone should have a pet. I do."

And that was the reaction Ed expected. Because as stupid as it was, Gordon was serious. He was serious and it was just... Ed shook his head and breathed out. Sometimes, he really wondered just exactly what went on in Gordon's mind when he thought up these things. "You have a goldfish." He pointed out.

"Named Sharky." Gordon said with a smile. "Now you have an elephant named Jerry."

Ed stared at him for a moment. "Gordon." He said the name evenly and slowly, keeping his voice level. "I cannot have a pet elephant."

"Why not?" Gordon frowned and then his mouth dropped open, in a slight gasp. "You don't like the name Jerry, right?"

Ed shook his head quickly. "No, Jerry's fine..."

"Good." Gordon smiled.

"But!" Ed continued, tilting his head slightly. "I can't have an elephant on the ship."

"Why?"

"This is a space ship!" Ed said, the tone of his voice rising a bit. "Not a zoo!"

Gordon visibly deflated, hunching over a bit on the stool. "So... you're saying no to Jerry?"

"Yes!" Ed threw up his hands. "Please remove Jerry from my room immediately!"

Gordon breathed out dramatically and tilted his head back. "Fiiiine." He groaned, stringing the word out way too long. He shook his head as he pushed away from the counter. "Poor Jerry." He lamented, shoving his hands in his pockets and stepping around Ed. "He'll be so upset."

Ed turned and watched the man's retreating form.

"So..." Talla leaned against the counter. "Is there _really_ an elephant in your room?"

Ed rolled his eyes.


	2. Rio

So like... immediately after posting the first chapter, I sorta broke my arm. My best guess is either a hairline fracture or severe bone bruising. Either one hurts like a fucking bitch and takes 2 - 4 months to heal. And no, I hate doctors and hospitals and I'm extremely stubborn and took a few medical classes in college so I didn't go to the hospital. I just wrapped it and put it in a sling and got pain killers and ointments and nursed it myself. But anyways, I haven't been able to hold a pen and write or type or anything for a couple months. SO LIFE HAS SUCKED! HERE, HAVE A CHAPTER! This seriously was supposed to be short, quick chapters and should have been done by now. BUT OH WELL! Enjoy another ridiculous thing!

**THIS IS A SHIP, NOT A ZOO, GORDON!  
Or the 5 Times in Which Gordon fails to get Ed a pet.  
And the 1 time it worked.  
****Chapter 2: Rio**

Ed did not ask about the elephant and Gordon was quiet on the subject. Half because Ed really didn't want to know what Gordon had done with Jerry. And Also because he was still a little mad. It had taken nearly a week to get the elephant smell out of his quarters! Maybe he was just being dramatic. Maybe just a tiny bit. The elephant hadn't been in there very long. And Gordon had spent every night with him since and hadn't said anything. So yeah, it was all probably in his head. But still... Jerry the elephant had been on his mind all week but he didn't have the nerve to ask Gordon just what had become of the elephant. Because he didn't really want to know. He fully expected the elephant to be just somewhere, hidden randomly on the ship.

And Ed just didn't want to know! Not really. At least not yet. He trusted Gordon, for the most part. Well... sort of. Maybe. At least Ed trusted the man enough to not put the ship in any real danger. Maybe . At least... Ed thought he did. Oh shit, he really hoped he did! Please, please, please!

His head was such a jumbled mess of back and forth when he walked through the door, into his quarters. He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. It had been a bitch of a day! There may be a Lak'vai pact between the Union and the Krill for the time being, but that didn't stop them from attempting to take control of a neighboring system's moon. Some divine will of Avis, the priest on board the ship had said. Bull fucking shit! He wanted to tell that priest right where he could shove the ship's copy of the Anhkana. But that would be bad for their attempted peace talks.

The first hiss didn't register in his head as unzipped his uniform shirt. It sounded similar to a wide variety of sounds on the ship and his mind was still previously occupied. The most obvious similarity being the sound of his door opening and shutting. And it wasn't a cause for alarm. Because Gordon was give free reign to his quarters and often followed him in.

So at that first hiss, Ed spun around, a smile on his lips. Because true, he'd just left the bridge and had just seen Gordon. He'd spent the whole day staring at the man's neck, when he wasn't yelling at the Krill priest, of course. But he had stared. And he hadn't even tried to hide it. And it should have been as sexy as it was. Just openly stared and now he was just as giddy and excited to see Gordon again. To see _more_ of him, without everyone else around.

Ed blinked at the closed door. Confusion pricked at him and he tilted his head to the side. Yes, his mind was occupied and not fully paying attention once his shift ended. But still, he swore he heard the door open. And then he heard the second hiss. Louder, that time, and it registered in his head as not being a noise belonging on his ship. A sound that was oddly familiar but one he couldn't quite place yet. He turned slowly and glanced across the space. The sound seemed to be coming from his bedroom. He wasn't entirely sure what to make of that thought as he stepped across the room. He edged closer to the doorframe and inched along the wall. Once he was close enough, he peeked inside.

It was laying on his bed. Wrapped up and coiled upon itself, as they do, he supposed. He really didn't know much about them. It's enormous head lifted and the golden eyes focused on him. It's lips parted and fangs popped out as the forked tongue slithered out in a hiss. It was like something out of a badly made monster movie, from old Earth. The kind Gordon like to watch, with horrible actors and lazy monster making. Bigger animals meant scarier. Because seriously, this thing had to be bigger than those on Earth. Ed had grown up in Massachusetts. He didn't have experience with even the small, garden variety.

Ed slowly backed up a step. And then another and another, all the while never taking his eyes off the thing on his bed. "Computer." He started softly, not wanting his voice to carry. "Locate my dickhead boyfriend."

"Lieutenant Malloy is in Engineering." The voice answered.

Ed frowned and paused. He had literally left the man, moments ago, on the bridge. Ed had left and came straight to his quarters. Engineering was a much farther. "The fuck's he doing there? Hiding?"

"Lieutenant Malloy is conversing with Lieutenant Lamar."

Ed rolled his eyes and shook his head. Really, he shouldn't have been surprised. He let out a sigh. "Let me talk to him."

"Hey, Honey!" Gordon's voice came over the channel. There was a slight, nervous waver to it. "Uh... I'm not home at the moment... why don't you leave a message after the beep... beeeeep."

"Gordon!" Ed snapped, his voice raising louder than he mean. His eyes widened and he dropped his voice again. "What the hell am I staring at?"

"How should I know?" Gordon asked, not missing a beat.

Ed shook his head. "Gordon, I swear..." He grumbled under his breath.

"So... I guess you've met Rio then?"

"Rio?" Ed repeated. Of course it had a name. For a moment, Ed wondered if Gordon named them himself or if someone else had.

"Yeah, Rio." Gordon answered.

"Rio is a big fucking snake, Gordon!"

"She's an anaconda." Gordon corrected. "From that movie the other night."

"I may not be an expert in snakes..." Ed started.

"Herpetologist." John said, interrupting and speaking for the first time.

Ed frowned, not familiar with whatever the hell John was talking about. "A what?"

"Herpetologist." John repeated. "Reptile expert."

Ed tilted his head a bit, thinking. "How do you know that?"

"I know stuff." John muttered under his breath. "Never mind. Go back to being yelled at by the Captain, Gordon. Sorry for interrupting."

Of course! Ed really should have known John would be involved somehow. Ever since they met, the pair were pretty much inseparable. Ed had been a little jealous, in the very beginning. And maybe that jealously didn't keep him from arguing when Kelly suggested promoting John to the Head of Engineering. Gordon had assured him many times that Ed didn't have anything to be jealous of, that he and John were just friends. But still. "Lieutenant Lamar, do you have anything to do with... any of this?"

"No, sir!" John answered quickly. "This is all Gordon! I swear, Captain! I wouldn't lie to you."

Ed believed that. John had his moments of childish pranks, but his job was very important to him. "Fine. Whatever, Lamar. Gordon! Point is, she's way bigger than she's supposed to be!"

"Yeah." Gordon answered. "She's more based on the monster version, from the movie. Anatomically correct, just much larger. Like the movie."

Ed was standing less than 15 feet from the large snake. He did not need a description. "Gordon!" He snapped. "You put a giant snake in my room that could eat me! _On my bed!"_

Gordon let out a laugh. "I just fed her. She's fine."

"You just... what?"

"Plus, there's a force field around the bed." Gordon continued. "She can't leave."

"She can't..." Ed's head was suddenly spinning a bit. A giant snake. A pet. Just fed. Can't move. None of it made sense! He lifted a hand to his head to rub at his temples. He turned slightly, for the first time taking his eyes off his bed. "Then what's the point?"

There was a pause before Gordon answered. "It's funny?"

"Funny?" Ed dropped down on his couch and put his head in his hands. Gordon wasn't exactly wrong here. Because... it was funny. It was actually pretty damn funny. The whole thing was completely and utterly ridiculous. The elephant, the monster sized snake, the whole him-needing-a-pet thing. It was so hilariously ridiculous and inappropriate and so Gordon. Just _infallibly_ Gordon. And Ed was almost jealous that he wasn't involved in the actual pranking, instead of the one being pranked. In their academy days, he would have been right there beside Gordon, hiding out and waiting for the shoe to drop, so to speak. "Gordon, please come remove..." He paused for a moment, forgetting the name. "Uh..."

"Rio." Gordon supplied.

"Thanks. Yes. Rio." Ed said. "Please come remove Rio from my room immediately."

Gordon let out a loud groan. "Fiiiiine!" He strung out the word rather dramatically.

"Good." Ed breathed out and leaned back against the couch. He stretched his neck and looked up at the ceiling. "Let me know when it's gone."

"She." Gordon correctly.

Ed's eyes narrowed into a glare. And he wished he could glare at the man instead of the ceiling. The ceiling didn't do anything wrong. It didn't deserve to be glared at! "Just do it, Gordon!" He snapped quickly. "Captain out." He rubbed at his face again for a moment before a hiss interrupted him. Ed swallowed as he stood up and inched towards his bedroom again. He knew she couldn't move, that she was trapped there on his bed. But still, Ed moved slowly and edged along the wall until he could poke his head through the doorframe again.

Rio the snake was still there, staring. She let out a hiss, seeing him.

Ed shivered. Then turned and promptly fled from his quarters.

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

**Author's Notes:** Hope you enjoyed it or it made you laugh!


End file.
